This is the check list for the perfect rap video. Below is a the template used by the all of the greats, from Biggie, to Little T and One Track Mike (of “Shaniqua don’t live here no mo” fame). Let’s see if Alex Ovechkin and his band of Russian Homeboys were able to pull it off.
All white people (I think that chick is just tan…I think)- CHECK (throughout)
A back flip- CHECK (:38)
One Bike Trick- CHECK (:42)
One guy excitedly and overenthusiastically doing a split like he’s in a Bel Biv Devoe video- CHECK (:57)
Dancing Kick Boxers- CHECK (1:35)
Someone playing keep away with a small man in a unitard- CHECK (1:46)
Someone giving the camera the finger- CHECK (2:00)
A kid in a Karate uniform being showered with money by the Russian versions of Donald trump and Lou Bega (Yes, the same Lou Bega that brought you Mambo #5)- CHECK (2:06)
A hairy shirtless man giving a little girl in a ballerina outfit flowers- CHECK (3:30)
A little kid in a red karate outfit flashing gang signs (or what I have interpreted as Russian gang signs)- CHECK (3:32)
A girl who sings the hook and gets sexually assaulted by all the rapper swag she encounters throughout the video- CHECK (throughout)
and finally,
A group picture of everyone in the video where it looks like they’ve all just spent the day at a martial arts themed water park- CHECK (3:48)
Welp, it looks like he did it guys, Alex Ovechkin has made the perfect rap video. I’m going to guess that his declining production over the past few years is due to the fact that dudes with rapper swag don’t give a SHIT about anything. And while we’re talking about Ovie’s rap career, let’s pour out a little Svedka for Zbynek Michalek. Dude got hit harder than a blunt at a Snoop Dogg concert by Ovechkin, causing him to get suspended for 3 games. Now, that’s gangsta.
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